I got asked out at the grocery store the other day.
I could see it coming from the moment he followed me into the organic food section where he collected zero items for his cart, but fixed his hair a few times and readjusted the sunglasses on his head. He wore a suit coat with a white button-down buttoned down to show off his hairy chest and gold chain. My Birkenstocks should have been a magic shield, but no luck. Later, I cut in front of him at the deli counter because he was talking on his cell and the kind lady working there had better things to do than wait for him. And so did I. I couldn't shake him though. He bumped into my cart in the coffee aisle, approached the lotions just as I left them, and moved into checkout aisle number 12 right after I did.
"Hey. How's it going?"
Classic.
"Fine."
"How much do you think you saved today?"
"Um. I don't know. Ten bucks?"
"No way. I bet I can get closer to my number than you can."
"Great. Go for it."
"I think I'll save $9."
"Oh."
"What does the winner get?"
And there it was. An opening for an invitation to coffee, dinner, a movie, or other such tortures.
"I guess, the winner gets . . . well. . . nothing. Sometimes that happens." Even if he wasn't reading the hint, my checker was. She gave me a knowing look and speeded up the scanning process. My hero.
"You cut in front of me in the deli line, you know."
"Yeah, I know."
"Well. That's not very courteous."
"Yep. I'm an awful person." I moved down to begin bagging at what I hoped would be lightening speed.
"So. You saved almost exactly what you guessed you would and I was way off. How could I not save any money at Cub Foods? Impossible. What do you say I buy you some coffee or tea to celebrate your winning?"
I was torn. Should I tell him that I can't go out with him because I have a boyfriend which would lead him to think that that was the only thing keeping me from saying yes? Or do I tell him that I just don't go out with men who follow me around grocery stores, demonstrate their rudeness, and reveal more chest hair than I'd want to see under any circumstances?
"No thanks," I replied. "Consider not buying me coffee as your savings for today." And with that, I left.
7 comments:
Ugh. You forgot to mention to him that gold is not your color. EVER. And you can't see someone (if even for a free cup of coffee) that wears it. EVER.
And this brings up a good blog post subject. Dooce.com introduced it (and she actually got the idea from a book about what to blog about): What is your dating deal breaker? What would send you packing after you found out (or saw as in JDoc's case).
Mine is definitely gold chains, tassled shoes, and Republicanism.
I read that one too. A brilliant entry from Dooce, as usual. I'm thinking about getting that book as I need a little blog fodder. Somehow I think that gold chains, tassled shoes, and Republicanism go together, but certainly you want to be wary of them separately as well. A speedo is a deal breaker. And being overly tan in it. Yuck.
Oh yuck. That was a really bad image. Thanks a lot. I might have nightmares.
I agree with all of the above as being deal breakers. That was a great line you used to turn him down, love it.
But what if you're married to someone who later turned Republican? Is that a grounds for divorce?
I guess it depends. My parents don't really talk politics, but they have cancelled out each other's votes for years. It can work.
cripes, dr. dockter, you should be writing for grey's anatomy or something. that was even better than the farting episode
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