Today's ECFE lesson taught me that I am slowly killing my child's self-esteem with an overabundance of empty praise. So. That's a bummer. But the research was quite compelling. Here's an example. In one study, two groups of kids were given the same task. Upon completion of that task, kids in one group were told, "You did well. You must be smart." The kids in the other group were told, "You did well. You must have worked hard." Then kids in both groups were given a more challenging task. The kids in the first group gave up almost immediately while the kids in the second group, whose effort had been noted, kept trying despite the impossibility of the task.
The moral of this study is that I say "good job" to Sam far more often than necessary. And the necessary number, it turns out, is zero. In fact, nine out of ten times when I tell him "good job" (for cleaning up a mess or eating his vegetables) a simple "thank you" will do. And those other times when I want to praise his stack of blocks or the drawing of a "car" that doesn't look like a car, I should praise his effort, describe my reaction, or say nothing at all.
I made a commitment today, right in the middle of class, to remove "good job" from my language. And within thirty minutes, I caught myself telling Sam "good job" for wiping his feet on the rug.
I am a parenting work in progress. I just hope it's not too late to turn his life around.
4 comments:
I remember learning about this in some professional development workshop or something. It was difficult to come to the realization that telling kids "good job" without contextualizing what was "good" about it, and that praising for effort meant more in the long run. I have my MAED students do an assignment about their feedback along these lines. It's a hard behavior to change!
Dan and I read this research, and after years of practice, we are now better at praising effort; but we do still slip. As a praise monger myself, it's hard not to dole out praise to others. It's interesting to think about, for sure. I like the growth mindset and grit stuff.
I like praise although I can see how it might be problematic in some situations. In other situations such as your blog, good job works because it's more than effort... right?!
Mindset. Carol Dweck.too late for my kids. Alas. But they're still good
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